Single Dads’ Association offers hope, advice, support, camaraderie

  • Published
  • By Karen Abeyasekere
  • 100th Air Refueling Wing Public Affairs
RAF MILDENHALL, England --  Open to all single dads who work on RAF Mildenhall, RAF Lakenheath and RAF Feltwell, the Single Dads’ Association is believed to be the first of its kind in U.S. Air Forces in Europe.

The group was founded after one of its first members didn’t qualify for one of the family daycare events on base, which was for married members and spouses of deployed Airmen only. As a single dad, he was therefore not able to benefit from the daycare assistance. With the help of one of his military friends at RAF Mildenhall, who was also a single dad, the pair decided to form the “Single Dads’ Association” so they could provide help and support to others in similar situations.

“When I was told about this, I met with the principal of Lakenheath Elementary School, where my son attends, and told her I wanted to start a support group for single dads – it took off from there,” said Master. Sgt. Christopher Monroe, 100th Civil Engineer Squadron Unaccompanied Housing Office superintendent, explaining how valuable he believes this group is.

“We have all become single dads one way or another, but we’re here together to support each other,” remarked Monroe. “We’re not ones to ask for help but we’re all facing the same challenge in one way or another, so it’s a good outlet to relieve stress. It also helps you understand there are other men out there having the same difficulties as you, and that helps build a foundation and relationship. A lot of us have been there and can help others through it because we understand.”

The co-founders wanted a support group for dads rather than the usual mixed single parents group, because they felt it was important to specifically have an outlet just for fathers.

“There’s already single parents’ groups around but there’s never a ‘Single Dads’ group, where men can be men and talk about things that we wouldn’t talk about with women in the group,” said the 100th CES UHO superintendent. “We guys know each other’s struggle, but people are less likely to help a dad out, which is one of the reasons we started the group. They see dad as being brave, macho and manly, and say to us, ‘oh, you don’t have any stress because you’re a man!’ In all honesty we have as much stress as single mothers do – we just handle things differently.

“When we have informal luncheons and discuss the issues we face, it makes me think, ‘wow – we do go through a lot of stuff.’ This is the outlet for us to talk, communicate and reassure each other. We’re there to support each other,” he said.

Another member who has received support from the group is Staff Sgt. Jonathon De La Garza, 100th Maintenance Group aircraft plans, scheduling and documentation NCO in charge.

“Being part of the SDA has helped me realize that there are a lot more dads/active-duty single fathers who have stepped up and taken the role of both parents,” said De La Garza. “We get together once a month to discuss problems that we’ve run into, or concerns about how we should go about talking and explain to our children that their bodies will go through a change at a certain time. The great thing is, I have a 6-year-old son and our talks will be a lot different from the fathers with daughters! The group can bring relief to the members and give us a place where we can just talk about different activities.”

The 17-strong group sometimes include their children in their get-togethers, whether on day trips to the ropes activity course in Thetford forest, or other special functions when guests will join their group to answer questions and provide tips and advice.

“Although we are fathers, we try and participate in everything we can so that our children have a sense of support and don’t feel alone and left out,” explained De La Garza. “My son, Donovon, and I talk about sports and clubs he wants to join, such as soccer, cub scouts and Hapkido martial arts. We also talk about cars, how many goals he has scored in soccer and how he wants to play soccer when he grows up.”

The group members said they receive excellent support from a variety of organizations, including the Red Cross, spouses groups and Department of Defense Schools staff (counsellors, nurses, military family life counselors and school principals) to help with various issues they may encounter.

“We have dads who have daughters and aren’t familiar with doing girls’ hair, so they’ve brought them in and we’ve had hairdressers from downtown join us and show them how to do different hairstyles,” said Monroe, adding that they’ve also had moms come and teach them about using different hair products on their daughter’s hair. “The spouses’ group has offered to teach us a class on how to cook certain items, because a lot of dads don’t know how to cook or prepare food. Part of the class will include showing us a variety of crock pot recipes.”

The Red Cross also provided a parenting class to SDA members with daughters, teaching them how to deal with daughters reaching puberty. Besides providing information to the fathers, classes such as this mean they can then talk and give advice to their daughters.

“A lot of guys don’t want to ask for help because they feel embarrassed; it’s a pride thing,” Monroe said, adding that receiving classes such as this are invaluable to the single dads because many would not otherwise feel comfortable asking for help with such matters.

The group provides its members hand-outs of articles covering a variety of topics on the parenting challenges they face. They also share funny stories about things their children do, talk about things they may need help with and share advice.

“It’s like a brotherhood,” remarked Monroe. “When you walk into the room, you know that even if you don’t know some of the guys in there, you all have the one thing in common that is most important to you – single-handedly raising your children to the best of your ability.”

He explained one of the goals of the group is to give hope to single dads struggling with the judicial system, who may feel there’s no end in sight.

“We want to show dads there is a chance – you just have to be persistent. The Single Dads’ Association provides an outlet to show them they’re not alone. We’re here to support as best we can and to help dads with their needs and goals,” Monroe said.

De La Cruz agreed, describing how the group sessions have been a bonding and growing experience for them all.

“The camaraderie I feel from the SDA is amazing. We all get in there and feel like we actually belong to a group. There’s no better feeling than knowing others in your situation who you can relate too, especially in the military!” he said.

The Single Dads’ Association meets every third Tuesday of each month from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. at RAF Lakenheath. The next scheduled get-together with children is May 23 for a cooking class at the RAF Lakenheath Chapel. For more information on the SDA, call Monroe at DSN 238-5735.