Deployment Journal: Post deployment proves lonely road

  • Published
  • By Tech. Sgt. Kevin Wallace
  • 100th Air Refueling Wing Public Affairs
RAF MILDENHALL, England --  Movies would have you believe that a young man carrying a pack may step off a bus in some random city to a multitude of clapping friendly faces - with children smiling and waving little American flags.

This may be true when a large unit returns or a Navy vessel steams into home port, but for a Joint Expeditionary Tasked Airman traveling alone, the reality was much lonelier.

I sat alone in a KC-135 Stratotanker journeying from Transit Center Manas, Kyrgyzstan, home to RAF Mildenhall.

Also alone and seated next to me was Senior Master Sgt. Kevin Hawks, 100th Security Forces Squadron first sergeant, who was also returning from Afghanistan. We shared deployment experiences and enjoyed each other's company - making us our own Army of two for the moment.

Shortly after arriving to home station and turning in my weapons, I headed over to a base fast food restaurant to get a bite to eat. I figured after eating make-shift meals with whatever we could barter Afghans for and meals-ready-to-eat for the better part of a year, a greasy taco and burrito would hit the spot.

In actuality it was difficult to enjoy the food because there were many Airmen seated around me and they were seemingly enjoying their lunch break. I'm not sure why, but at that time, it made me pretty angry.

These guys did nothing wrong. On the contrary, most had likely been working extended hours lately as a unit compliance inspection was on the horizon. They were probably blowing off steam with each conversation, smile or laugh.

I kept thinking of obscure instances where I laughed recently. I recalled being in firefights. When there were breaks in fire, we'd joke about what was going on or give each other hard times about slipping when diving for cover. Actually these were quite serious subjects but seemingly funny to us at the time. I suppose that's what many would call a coping mechanism.

I could vividly imagine many of my friends' faces and some of the jokes we'd make in those stressful situations. I wished they were sitting at that table enjoying tacos with me. But, that wasn't the case.

Again, I was alone and felt like no one around could relate. Honestly, I had no interest in relating with them either.

After talking to a RAF Lakenheath psychologist as part of my reintegration, I was reminded that these feelings are normal.

As I drove home that day, I thought about when I returned from an earlier deployment to Afghanistan in 2008, and some of the events that triggered the very same emotions in me.

Back then, while sitting at a red light in Dover, Del., I heard thumping bass coming from the car next to me and looked over to see an extremely overweight guy, drinking a premier brand coffee and sitting in his oversized sports utility vehicle. I remember feeling anger toward him as I believed he was taking our sacrifices for granted.

Though he stood for the very freedoms I love, I couldn't help but feel disgust at that moment.

I didn't know that guy's name and, like the Airmen on Mildenhall, he had done nothing wrong. Still, two years later I remember his face and remember how seeing him made me feel.

Recalling my post deployment stress in 2008 and relating it to what I currently feel, I think I'm better off now. But, how could that be?

I saw and did much more this time around.

Then I realized something. You ... I thought about loyal readers, family and friends.

For 34 weeks now I've blogged weekly in RAF Mildenhall's Deployment Journal and described events and my feelings to you loyal readers. Each week I had to mentally compartmentalize that week's events, make sense of it all, then portray it in words to you. Doing so was very therapeutic.

But I'm home now. Though this soil I walk on is British, I feel I'm home.

When my nation calls on me once again, I'll be honored to answer and return to Afghanistan. But in the meantime, I'll relish in the time I have with my family and friends.

Due to the popularity of the Deployment Journal, we hope to continue posting entries there. Going forward we'll use that tab to highlight stories or submitted journal entries from any deployed Team Mildenhall members or loved one's at home. We'd love to share your experiences with our readers.

For anyone wishing to submit a Deployment Journal entry or share a deployment-related story idea for one of our staff writers, please send an email to marauder@mildenhall.af.mil.