COMMENTARY: Strengthening singles, couples through resiliency retreats

  • Published
  • By Capt. Laura Balch
  • 100th Air Refueling Wing Public Affairs
RAF MILDENHALL, England --  The RAF Mildenhall chapel is offering two resiliency retreats Sept. 27 through 29, 2013.

One retreat is entitled MarriageCare, intended for married couples; the other is entitled SingleCare, intended for single Airmen.

These retreats allow participants to stay in a Hilton Hotel in London. They are worth approximately $500 (per participant/couple) and are offered at very little expense to the participants.

Back in June, my husband and I were afforded the opportunity to attend a MarriageCare couple's resiliency retreat hosted by the RAF Mildenhall Chapel. We truly enjoyed our weekend away together, which is why I highly recommend signing up for one of these retreats if you have no plans this weekend.

When my husband and I attended the MarriageCare retreat, we elected to drive down to the Westfield Mall in Stratford the evening prior. We parked our vehicle there for the weekend and took the Underground to reach our hotel. The cost of parking our car, Underground transportation to and from the hotel, our dinner meals and the activities we wanted to do during our free time were the only expenses we were responsible for during the entire weekend. Everything else, to include the hotel room Friday and Saturday night, and breakfast and lunch on Saturday and Sunday, was paid for by the chapel.

The official portion of the retreat began Saturday morning after breakfast. Between approximately 9 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. we participated in the first two sessions of the retreat. The schedule repeated Sunday morning, with us completing the third and fourth sessions.

Both Saturday and Sunday afternoons were blocked off as free time so couples could spend some quality one-on-one time together. My husband and I chose to tour London, visiting historical sights and catching a show.

Without going into too many details as I don't want to ruin the experience for those who can attend the retreat, I will say that my husband and I walked away with some great advice on many topics. One topic of importance was communication and one of the tools the chaplains offered to help us focus on communication is called "The Magic Five Hours," a concept developed by the Gottman Institute.

What this concept suggests is couples who spend five hours a week focusing specifically on their relationship will have a more healthy and successful relationship than those who do not. The "mathematical formula" for reaching those five hours involves the following five activities: partings, reunions, admiration/appreciation, affection and a weekly date.

Partings: these are accomplished when one or both members of the couple leave the house, which most often occurs in the morning. Partings should include two minutes worth of embracing and talking to one another about what you have going on that day. (Note: Two minutes/five times a week equals 10 minutes.)

Reunions: these are accomplished when one or both members of the couple returns home, which most often occurs in the evening. Reunions should include 20 minutes worth of talking about the experiences each member had during the day. These conversations should include important issues, so make sure they are held during one-on-one situations without any distractions. Couples with children may want to consider having these conversations after the children have gone to bed. (Note: 20 minutes/five times a week equals 100 minutes.)

Admiration/Appreciation: this is accomplished when each member of the couple takes a few minutes to praise the other by highlighting a positive trait, action, memory, etc., of the opposite member. (Note: Five minutes/seven times a week equals 35 minutes.)

Affection: this is accomplished when each member of the couple takes a few minutes to embrace or kiss the other. It is important to complete the admiration/appreciation and the affection activities on both "good" days and "bad" days. (Note: Five minutes/seven times a week equals 35 minutes.)

Weekly Date: this is accomplished when the couple takes two hours to have some designated one-on-one time. If it's not realistic for the couple to go out on a date every week, especially for couples with children, consider having a stay-at-home dinner and movie date after the children go to bed. (Note: Two hours/one time a week equals 120 minutes.)

If the couple accomplishes each of these activities over the course of a week, that's a total of 300 minutes, or five hours.

For more information about the resiliency retreats, or some additional helpful tips on how to strengthen your relationship, contact the chapel at DSN: 238-2822 or Commercial: 01638-54-2822.